@Ivsy01

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

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@ClichedOut

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

@TheAlexNevil

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

@huntigula

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

@SondraDeeMe

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

@AndyAsAdjective

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

@krishna_van

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@samdunsiger

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.