ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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In Russia, Jesus finds you.
*knock on the door
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.