“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
The happy life.. 😊
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married