The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.