A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College