People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

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[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!


There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.


HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.


INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired


Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?


People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard


He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left.

Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though.


[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!




Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July