People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
🤣🤣
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song