@therepoguy

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

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@brynnester

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

[Two Minutes Later]
I’m lost in the woods, my phone is on 1% and I think I hear a bear. Send help

@RamblingMachine

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

@brennadine

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

@PurrrrrfectCat

If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.

@dumbbeezie

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

@jonnysun

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

@Tmoney68

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

@ewfeez

I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

@david8hughes

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.