Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
A short story about romance.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.