@Vodkantots

People who are genuinely surprised when politicians behave badly should be forced to wear helmets for their own protection.

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@Fire_Badger

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

@tastefactory

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

@Skoog

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

@PleaseBeGneiss

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

@DaddyBeerGuy

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

@LoveNLunchmeat

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”