People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another