Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
When you’ve simply given up.