@MisterBombay

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

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@RealSugarFree

Does the 5 second rule count for a baby? Asking for… Nevermind, her mom picked her up.

@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@jonnysun

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

@kiel_phillips

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

@ItsAndyRyan

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

@sozjalltheway

Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.

@djr_102

I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.

@Dawn_M_

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.