People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Warm pools make me nervous.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Always a metermaid never a meter
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.