@sixthformpoet

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

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@thejodiest

Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.

@ambermruffin

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.

@trojansauce

*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@Fred_Delicious

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

@Dadsaysjokes

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

@TheToddWilliams

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

@leyawn

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@copymama

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.