People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
You deplete me
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.