people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
What if all the cashiers are married?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN