People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.