My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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I’m currently between relationships.
The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
14 year olds be talkin bout “im a dom,” son the only thing u should be dominating is that geometry test tomorrow get studying
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.