“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.