Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.