@RuthePhoenix

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

You Might Also Like

@pittdave13

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

@ccthegemini

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

@DeLMarSan

Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.

@sixfootcandy

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

@blade_funner

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

@heykarlin

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@Quartzjixler

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.