People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
You Might Also Like
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.