People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Lucky old June.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*