People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Good point.