People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?