[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?