This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband