People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

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This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.


Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.


ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.


I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay


bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting


me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?


For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.


If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.


Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband