ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
this is me
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?