“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Storm Tropical Storm
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.