*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.