@emilyyoshida

People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-Sansa
-Melisandre
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library

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@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@TheAlexNevil

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

@OctopusCaveman

When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.

@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@LlamaInaTux

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

@Skoog

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

@pinupteacher

Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.

@Vodkantots

I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.

@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.