If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.