People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
OH. COME. ON.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ