People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

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Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns


Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?


Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?


I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.


The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.


I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on


Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.


Once again I’ve managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.


-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
-And this w/ saber teeth?
-And this beaverduck?
-wtf dude