People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.

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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.


Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.


*she leans in close*
‘kyle, what’s your wildest fantasy?’

*i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*


[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?


[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.


I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering


Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this


Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.


Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.