I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I have questions??
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders