I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
You Might Also Like
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Doctors texting each other.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know