I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.
astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.
And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.
But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*on a date *
Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!
* trying to impress *
Me: I live outside.
Me: I’m homeless.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.