@GrumpyBahr

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

You Might Also Like

@TawaNicolas

I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.

@ColdPetRat

astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.

astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.

@LosLos__

And then God said: Let women have infallible memory.

But technology said: And screenshots, just in casies.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@Jenny4ashley

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

@elle91

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

@Fickle_Filly

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

@CulturedRuffian

*on a date *

Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

* trying to impress *

Me: I live outside.

Her: What?

Me: I’m homeless.

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.