People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
2023 was just a warmup
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange