@RandallOtisTV

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

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@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@torrami

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

@WiseguyPictures

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

@_NinJar

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

@mrjohndarby

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day