People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Happy Star Wars day!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me