People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”