People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Children of the corn 🌽
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.