People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I know karate and tons of other words.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My flabber has been gasted.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Best goalkeeper.. 😅