@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

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@OrdinaryAlso

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@JohnLyonTweets

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

@lifecoachfit

The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.

@AtticusFinch79

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

@Parentpains

My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it’s where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.