*drops ice cube*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The most stable relationship I’ve had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we’ve been dating for the past year.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Wife: No reason.
Wife: Here, taste this.
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it’s where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.