People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
You Might Also Like
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.