People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand