People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You Might Also Like
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Taliband
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.