@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

You Might Also Like

@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

@cubosh

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

@TheAlexNevil

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@causticbob

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

@iGreenMonk

Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature’s way of saying,

“How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room..”

@SJSchauer

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

@AthenaMystique

I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.

@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.