An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Natural Disasters are just Mother Nature’s way of saying,
“How many times I have to tell you to stop making such a mess? Go to your room..”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.
I just like the taste.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.