@patnspankme

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

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@Rollinintheseat

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no ūüėČ

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@isabelzawtun

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.

@damagedprincess

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

@ARealTinderella

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

@moose_chocolate

If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.