People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Great Canadian literature.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I put the h in mysterious.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that