People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.


Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no ūüėČ



Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.


Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.


My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year


With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/


Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she’s driving. Girls are weird.


I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.


Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.


If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.