People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it