People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.