People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life