People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
who wants to go expliring
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
There is wisdom there.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of