People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe