People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

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Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”



I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.


Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”


[during sex]

her: punish me

me: [panicking] g-go stand in the corner and think about what u did


*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International


You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead


Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.