boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Important reminders
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on