everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag