@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

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@Jake_Vig

Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

@dudehugs

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

@JeffKasanoff

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

@CruisinSoozan

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

@QwertyJones3

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

@DanielAda1960

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

@snmrrw

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.