Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.