People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
christening a ship with an overripe banana
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??