People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.