Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
It鈥檚 almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 馃槱
Mom I wouldn鈥檛 be invited to jump off the bridge
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87掳.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog鈥檚 feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*