People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.

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My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.


My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.


When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.


At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.


Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*


Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.


“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.


I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.


There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.