My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My wife and I got into an argument.
And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
Au, got it. Next element.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.