@junejuly12

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

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@InstaTrent

A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.

@Shock_Monster

Driving back from funeral yesterday:

Stairway To Heaven
*click*

Tears In Heaven
*click*

Highway To Hell
*click*

Macarena!
*leaves it*

@Rollmaninoz

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

@chrisdelia

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

@bharatunnithan

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

@beefman138

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

@DevilryFun

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.