People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Weighing up my bread heating options
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick