People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
called in thicc to work this morning
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.